Sensual Philosophy …

Take . your . time . reading . this . and
Turn . your . volume . up .

I’m feeling a bit melancholymelancholy power++ reviews …

and have been for most of the day. This pensive state, initiated by something Joli and I shared. However, those words … that tone … those thoughts, and feelings were not directly sad. But somewhere in there I paused, and felt something I seemed to have forgotten.

Warmth.

Like a broken record, I’ve been talking about the passion that’s gone … and I think it was either yesterday, or earlier today that Hyuna asked me “where’s the fire?” … and while I may have taken it out of context, it seemed so foreign. I mean, I was like Robinson CrusoeRobinson Crusoe reviews transplanted into a territory unfamiliar. So far from home, that I’ve forgotten the smell.

I wonder if the locks were changed.

Both feelings have stuck with me. A warmth which I could literally feel, and a reaction like “wtf is that?” Though of course, my mind didn’t leave it alone and as I ventured to decipher these hieroglyphics … something shifted. A quickened pace, like I should’ve been bracing myself for impact … with onlookers cringing, saying “damn.” I slammed into yesterday, as life flashed before my eyes … in rewind and fast forward. The poetry of moments and desire that leaves one wired in anticipation, have taken seat in the forefront of my brain … and I must say … it’s great. Though, make no mistake about it. I’m not trying to say that living in the past is all that fabulous. For what’s gone is gone, and longing for lost days merely limits today.

I’m not that insane.

Or rather, I’ll limit today but do not miss things passed … ever. Regardless, my state has bothered me for awhile. Me without passion is like a fish out of water. Yet, lately my words have seemed so detached and without any emotional concern … that it left me uneasy. An empathic muscle which atrophied, a heart which no longer pumped. Feet hit the ground like lead, walking dead. However, that changed the moment I kneeled to her … and spoke in a caring tone. The warm your neck and shoulders, that hairs standing on end … tone. The type of shit, which would’ve made me pick up a camera again, tone. A tone, which may be missed online. Though before you jump to conclusions, it’s not like that. At least, I don’t think. I mean, I used to feel that when interacting with anyone I was truly intimate. Actually, that’s a lie. Moments like that are far and few inbetween.

…

Am I trying to convince you, or myself?

I’ve interacted with her sporadically for over a year, and never has it crossed my mind. I loved her eyes, smile, stride, and style … but there was no desire. However, it was understandably so. For that was during a point where I would not have entertained such thoughts (because I was afraid of the cost, or what would’ve been lost in the process). Only one person was allowed to occupy my heart and mind at the time, as I stood by words unforgotten but unrequited. Until I realized that my holding on, restricted the woman I love … and while I stopped living … my choices were mine. I said I’d always stand by her, but realized that it created an obligation for her to remain. She shouldn’t have to suffer the fate of my mistakes.

So I decided to break, the promise that I made … and decided to walk away … and in the process of her liberation, I in essence broke my vow of now three years of celibacy (my birthday will be the anniversary). However, I haven’t done so physically. Though, this makes me wonder if the passion which didn’t exist was because of me being stiff or stubborn. Unable to truly let anyone in. My heart turned hard, the adamant Taurean stifling his hopeless romantic nature … as I focused on refining my mind. Yet, I like some of the changes I’ve made. In the past few days, or months even … I’ve been extremely curt in comparison. My comments on most people’s pages … a single line. Though know, I always took the time to write my usual replies. I just retracted and erased most of it.

Replacing it with a short statement, or summation.

For I realize, that while it’s a nice idea to believe those who love us would want to be let in … the fact is, people just want what they want. Nothing more, nothing less … and I’m a bit too intense. I give more than most can endure, or even want. So I stopped that for the most part. If asked a seemingly rhetorical question, I will ask if it should be answered. In the process of doing so I’ve watered down myself considerably. Which left me with mixed feelings, due to my perspective on “hesitation == fear.” Though, I guess in some ways consideration is fear as well. However, with my blood currently pumping … I realize that, I might’ve let them in but it was only into my vertigo inducing, confusing, and overwhelming brain.

When my heart was much safer.

A double, with a bed wasted, sheets untouched, and a sign which read “do not disturb” … because I shut it off for a single person, and went to work elsewhere. She unknowingly brought me back there, and although she did not ask … for her … I willingly unlocked the door. That to me isn’t an indication of romantic interest, but rather of my desire to protect her even from myself. It’s been an interesting, and inspirational day. I want to refine my heart, to re-learn my insides. The coconut water on this island is becoming tedious, I want wine. To feel two steps beyond tipsy, living like I’m dreaming … and walking on air. Without concern nor care for gravity, other than the one that exists between …

you and I.

Yeah.

Can we start again? or continue?

- Prasand J.