Closes: The Year of Aimlessness
This is without direction. A moment of reflection which has no purpose greater than to share with those that care to hear it. The past year for me has been interesting. Filled with new definitions, the cultivation of standards and perceptions not anticipated. Sometimes the things unexpected can be quite pleasant, even if uncertainty leaves us fearful of the result. That is what I believe, and maybe you agree. I knew where I was before it began, but did not know where I was going or where I’d be once it ended … and I guess in some way this entry is symbolic of how time or life played out in 2007. Aimless, or seemingly. However, now that I stand here looking back on what happened … I realize I am quite fortunate.
Things are only as bad as we perceive them to be.
A concept known by many, which I’ve tried to apply every moment that I experienced during the span of my life. Though it was mostly a success, sometimes I failed miserably. I guess everyone has their moments of misery, or fear … and I am blessed to not have many. For it is the freedom of not having to worrying about myself, the security, that permitted me to truly care for others. Interactions of vulnerability and chances to connect, which to me are priceless even if they are had with limits. I don’t believe any moment is greater than the next, however with some people moments are more frequent. For our lives intertwine and we share more of ourselves, even if the period between the beginning and end is shorter than the rest.
We can spend five minutes over the span of a year with one person, or five days in the span of a week with another.
How much we value that time, is reflective of how much we appreciate it … and I try to appreciate everything, but I’m not infallible. Then to compound the issue I do not always convey to you how much I appreciate you. Though know that I do. I try to pay attention to every action, gesture, and moment … curve, nuance, expression … in order to truly see you, and though at times I may forget, be it due to frustration or whatever excuse … in the moments that you choose to show me you, or share yourself with me, even if doing so unknowingly … it’s not neglected. However, due to my habits … my potentially assholish desire to convey the truth at all times, I in many ways belittle you.
I do not like to mislead, but understand that when I choose to convey truth … I at times shatter dreams.
Be it the dream that you are the closest person to me, just because I am to you due to your fear or inability to let another as near, or any other delusion that you may suffer from. <— I can see how that would be perceived as me belittling. However, am I really? Or is the person who feels belittled not realizing that we all suffer some form of fear and / or delusion, even I … and it’s either we strive to not be deluded, accept, or deny. So due to ego and insecurities, personal biases and limits, the person perceives me to be speaking of them badly … although I percieve it to be a standard of life. Regardless, of if we share those biases or not … I can see how in your eyes I may belittle you. Please know that I’m sorry for doing so in my moments of ignorance.
I understand that my preferences do not have to be yours.
—
So that is how I’m leading into the New Year. Trying to be more attentive to the desires of those who’s lives intertwine with mine. Of course focusing on those who the proxemity is so tight that our bodies can’t seem to be divided, or appear to be one and the same. However, trying not to neglect those who moments are less frequent, because I do not appreciate those moments any less. The previous year I was blessed to have an amazingly beautiful woman in my life. One that despite my initial ignorance became the proof to every unfounded theory I had about true intimacy. One that truly satisfies me. Whom I love enough, that with her I overcame all of my fears. Who knows what this year has in store? Though I know where I am, and this year … where I’m going. If you deem me worthy, we can either progress / transcend together … or apart.
How was your year, how did it end, what are your goals this year, and / or what is your new year’s resolution?
- Prasand J.
Deep Honesty
on January 24th, 2008
Well, to be honest i admire you.
I admire how powerful u seem to be in every blog u write and how u can see the truth clearly.
2007 was full of everything for me. I felt a wide range of feelings that i’ve never felt. I made a lot of mistakes, i hurted some people, i feel bad as hell for it but at the end… they forgive all the pain that i put them through and as for me… i’m still learning about all the mistakes that i made.
I’m so unexperienced that everytime that i have a chance to do something that i’d love to or i think that i’d love to i do it careless and every action has his consequences.
The consequences are the pain that i put myself and others through… That’s something that i don’t like at all… i feel completely miserable and just… broken when i hurt someone…
Fortunately, i look back and i see how lucky i am.
In the past year i meet a lot of people claiming to be the truth when they are as fake as they can be.
Maybe i’m judging them so fast and easy but i think that the people that i meet and i have around just remains in what meets the eye when is a lot more underneath… They stay at the surface… so i prefer to not share myself a lot with them in order to don’t disappoint myself with some unexpected attitudes.
I think that i was lucky because i was able to see the fake in them, i was able to see how they were lying to me, how they wanted to hurt me and i made myself able to ignore them and don’t let them hurt me as they wanted.
I have to say that i’m happy for u because u find that amazingly beautiful woman, and she’s really amazingly beautiful as i see…
Well, what i was about to say is that i was blessed too.
I find someone very special too, but you know, you never know where life may bring you and put you through so i’m scared… very scared…
We are far from each other, i love him, deeply… for real… and the bad thing is that i have no way to show him how much he means to me.
I just can write it and obviously, that’s not enough at all, i’m scared to lose him.
Yeah, insecurity and a lot more things that u’ll say i think…
I already know that i’m very insecure… i’m tryin’ to change that… in fact, i’m tryin’ to change a lot of things that i have inside that hurt me and make me weak.
I’m tryin’ to recognise myself, find my flaws, the bad in me leaving that egotistic vision…. i hope i can do it.
By the way, even that you think that i’m superficial, egotistic and i’m claimin’ for attention… i have to say that i truly appreciated everything that u told me even that some things were painful.
You made me realise about some things in myself. I know that i have a lot of job to do with myself yet… but i’m willing to do it.
I just want to say thank you, for open my eyes a lot more, thank you for make a dreamer stop dreaming for a while, stop creating illusions and expectations and just see that the truth that i’m looking for that pure and deep honesty that i love is not in that dreams that i’ve been dreaming.
I used to have some people around, i used to call them friends, but none of them was able to tell me what really thinks about me and how they really see me…
I don’t really care but is always good that someone wise come and tell you what u’ve been waiting to hear even if it’s painful…
U were that someone wise… thank u!
Carmina Garza
on January 29th, 2008
You spoke about perceptions and delusions … and that is my lesson learned in the year 2007. I have uncovered that my life has been filled with distorted truths, delusions if you will. Some self-imposed, others that are learned, having become a way of life Some people prefer to shy away from truth all together and dwell in the land of their delusions and distorted pereceptions. And there are others who only want to deal with truth in small quantative doses. Sorta like band-aids for their egos. Delusions are a stronghold, disguised as a safe haven of comfort from hurt, harm and danger. However, the truth — the naked truth, if you will, has always been the elixir of my being. Calling from deep within as I quest this earthly realm of time and space. “It’s for your own good, “Because we love you,” “I never meant to hurt you,” are the echos that call from a distance. Releasing the reins of emotions that bound me. I stand upright, and see with my eye the nakedness that is now uncovered and laid bare. What a sight to behold. I am the ugly truth that yearns to be told.
Prasand J.
on January 29th, 2008
I too suffer from delusion … and much of what I write is clear because in some of those moments I was writing because of what I realized about myself. Had it been written the days before, or even an hour prior … it might’ve been filled with my own delusions. It’s possible that they still are, and maybe I will not discover my own ignorance until some time has passed, and I have grown beyond the limits which exist now.
I don’t know. However, if this transcendence is beneficial to some in the process … I am glad, and maybe we can progress together.
Prasand J.
on January 29th, 2008
For many of us, delusions are the solution to pain. Employed before hand … to avoid the reality we do not want to accept, because we’re scared. However, the origin of our own delusion … began not as the solution, but rather the result of pain. That pain created fear, and that fear created delusion. Though regardless of if a current delusions was born to avoid, or is circumstantial … both become minuet when we face and overcome our fears and perception of pain.