Amends: Previous Choices
Some people believe, that if you have no regrets, you have not lived, and while I understand the perspective, I think that such a perception is maintained by one who doesn’t truly appreciate the present. — Personally, I’ve taken the chances, the risks, and despite my recklessness, I have no regrets. My life and actions weren’t flawless, but I’m satisfied with the outcome.
I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve hurt those that I previously perceived to be undeserving of those pains I created. I’ve felt much sorrow, shed many tears, and repented for my sins. I’ve even structured my life, in such a way that I could make up for atrocities I’ve committed. — Despite those actions, if I had the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Or at least, that’s what I used to think.
In life, every action has a reaction; every single thing we do or did leads us to the present. A single shift in movement could create a very different existence. — If we truly appreciate where we are, why would we want to change that which we enjoy? We often ask for things, that once we get it, we realize we didn’t truly want it. We didn’t understand, what it meant to have it.
Regardless, some desire that difference.
We’ve all thought something akin to, “maybe if I didn’t say that to her/him we would still be together”, and despite our fantasy of what should be, things don’t always work out as we perceive. It’s possible that things would’ve been ‘better’, it’s possible it might’ve been ‘worse’ and ended regardless. — I percieve, what’s meant to be, is and will be. That regardless of how much we try to defy and fight life, things that aren’t meant to work out … won’t. — So although I’ve had such thoughts, I’ve never harped on it.
Instead, I reminisce, smile, and then keep it moving.
Maybe my stance is one of fear, maybe my actions are fueled by it. The lack of desire to break my comfort; since afterall, I’m content with what exists. My hands-on approach to life, and my recklessness doesn’t negate that possibility. The fact is, I’m hands-on with some things, even most things … hands-off with few, and still those few could be because I’m afraid. The irony is, my hands-on aspects could be fueled by fear also.
Regardless, this isn’t about the dissolution of my delusions.
Rather, this is about sharing a different conclusion. — In looking at the things I’ve achieved, and lost, the costs I’ve paid, and choices I’ve made … I realize that there is something that I’d change. — This desire didn’t exist in me previously, but came with maturity and security. I understand that things could be much ‘better’, for others, yet ‘harder’ for me; that maybe it could result conversely.
And yet, I don’t mean it any less.
For if, I could do it all again … I’d surrender more to love. And since, changing the past is not in my conscious abilities, I’ve instead decided to apply it to the present. Even if I’m abused, even if I ‘lose’, completely … for those I love, I will give up:
nothing less, than everything.
I do not believe this is the ‘right’ thing to do, nor do I perceive it’s what you should do. Not at all, this is simply my desire, and now, my preference … because I believe, you, are not worth … less.
Believe what you want.
- Prasand J.
Anonymous
on December 31st, 1969
Tifanny Urrea
on June 1st, 2009
Yes
Prasand Fakir
on June 1st, 2009
ummm, why did you say yes?
Robert Billings
on June 1st, 2009
if you meant what you wrote. well said. not sure how i feel about it…but i suspect, what i feel about it is essentially irrelevant.so…well said.
Prasand J.
on June 1st, 2009
ummm, why did you say yes?
Sabine Amera Styles
on June 1st, 2009
The first two paragraphs describe my perspective … the ones that follow now challenge that.
Phoebe Pike
on June 1st, 2009
It's an interesting concept. Wanting to change the unchangeable. I have often looked back upon my life, wishing this and that and I have slowly come to realize that everything I've been through and done, has shaped me into the person I am today and today shapes what I am tomorrow. Even though I believe people shape themselves, I believe that what happens to, for and with, affects us so profoundly that most will not be able to remember why they thought or felt the way they did. The more I think about that, the more I realize to change my past is changing others pasts and I see no reason to do that, not that I'll ever get the chance as time travel, as of now, is impossible except in memories and pictures (memories of machines). In any case, this got me thinking… anyways, it was a good read. lolz
Prasand Fakir
on June 1st, 2009
What I said, was said wholeheartedly … as such, I meant it. However, desire and application are separate matters. Understanding that one thing cannot be given, without taking from another … there's a bit of a conflict.In essence what was conveyed, is my desire to acquiesce to those I love for the sake of love (a more extreme version of my desire to be a lover). Where previously I merely sought to do so, effected by "how much" I love some one. In other words, how much I kneeled to someone depended on how much I loved them. — Now, progressively, I'm removing that measurement, because anyone I love is not worth less than true / complete love.However, I wonder if it's possible.Some women I love, they'd desire for me to cut out every woman in my life except for them. If I appease that desire, there are many I'd deny. However, to deny the few for the sake of the many is to in essence say … they aren't worth that much, when they are. I would not love them if they weren't.That is where the limit that was applicable, is being removed.So, I will compensate.
Prasand Fakir
on June 1st, 2009
(compensation)Moments and interactions aren't perpetual. People come and go, and unless a person desires for something to be maintained forever … the need to maintain their desire is superfluous / excessive. As such, unless otherwise indicated I will deal with the desires in moments, as moments.If someone wants to know something, I will not say no. If someone wants me to do something, and it's within my ability / possible … I will not deny them. However, I will not maintain it, unless their desire is for me to maintain it.Part of me thinks it's appropriate here to say, "but if said person is being selfishly unrealistic, their desire is insignificant." However, that is a habitual thought process I desire to break. What they desire shouldn't matter, rather I mean, their desire should not be morally judged.In conclusion, I will treat moments as moments … and for those desires which would transcend separation, if it's in my capabilities I will do it, and if it's not … I will damn sure try.Consequences are irrelevant.
Prasand Fakir
on June 1st, 2009
@ Phoebe …many desire to change that which can't be, and many things which are perceived as unchangeable … actually can be. Regardless, I state this simply as a point of reflection:the entry came up because of my desire for the present. I looked back and saw, this current desire is one that I would apply to the past. When previously there was nothing in the present that I would've applied to the past. It's the first, and only. However, for me, it's like turning left, on the corner but later saying I'd turn right, but I have no desire to go back and make that turn.I merely acknowledge that I'd go right.
Phoebe Pike
on June 1st, 2009
Everytime I read your blogs or we send e-mails, it makes me realize how much I have left to learn. Oddly enough I find comfort in knowing that I am a few steps behind others because it gives me something to look forward to. True, it is a selfish desire of mine to learn everything and anything. If I could, I would read every single book and experiance every single experiance just because I would learn from it, and because I enjoy reading. lolz. At turning left instead of right, you once told me (because my laptop had been acting up at the time and kept closing out of my e-mail) that everything happens for a reason. That it could be a sign saying "not" to do something or hinting to it. That maybe it wasn't meant to occur. Do you remember that? Why do you think people take the wrong turn? I know this is off topic, but you know me and my curiousity. lolz
Sabine Rachel
on June 1st, 2009
The first two paragraphs describe my perspective … the ones that follow now challenge that.
Tifanny Urrea
on June 2nd, 2009
Yes because this is how I have been looking at life for quite some time
Prasand J.
on June 1st, 2009
What I said, was said wholeheartedly … as such, I meant it. However, desire and application are separate matters. Understanding that one thing cannot be given, without taking from another … there's a bit of a conflict.In essence what was conveyed, is my desire to acquiesce to those I love for the sake of love (a more extreme version of my desire to be a lover). Where previously I merely sought to do so, effected by "how much" I love some one. In other words, how much I kneeled to someone depended on how much I loved them. — Now, progressively, I'm removing that measurement, because anyone I love is not worth less than true / complete love.However, I wonder if it's possible.Some women I love, they'd desire for me to cut out every woman in my life except for them. If I appease that desire, there are many I'd deny. However, to deny the few for the sake of the many is to in essence say … they aren't worth that much, when they are. I would not love them if they weren't.That is where the limit that was applicable, is being removed.So, I will compensate.
Prasand J.
on June 1st, 2009
(compensation)Moments and interactions aren't perpetual. People come and go, and unless a person desires for something to be maintained forever … the need to maintain their desire is superfluous / excessive. As such, unless otherwise indicated I will deal with the desires in moments, as moments.If someone wants to know something, I will not say no. If someone wants me to do something, and it's within my ability / possible … I will not deny them. However, I will not maintain it, unless their desire is for me to maintain it.Part of me thinks it's appropriate here to say, "but if said person is being selfishly unrealistic, their desire is insignificant." However, that is a habitual thought process I desire to break. What they desire shouldn't matter, rather I mean, their desire should not be morally judged.In conclusion, I will treat moments as moments … and for those desires which would transcend separation, if it's in my capabilities I will do it, and if it's not … I will damn sure try.Consequences are irrelevant.
Prasand J.
on June 1st, 2009
@ Phoebe …many desire to change that which can't be, and many things which are perceived as unchangeable … actually can be. Regardless, I state this simply as a point of reflection:the entry came up because of my desire for the present. I looked back and saw, this current desire is one that I would apply to the past. When previously there was nothing in the present that I would've applied to the past. It's the first, and only. However, for me, it's like turning left, on the corner but later saying I'd turn right, but I have no desire to go back and make that turn.I merely acknowledge that I'd go right.
Prasand Fakir
on June 12th, 2009
@ Phoebe …Yes, I remember that. People choose to take the wrong turn, due to insecurity (wanting to be in control, or self-destructively), naivety (ignorance; being completely oblivious), and / or idly (as such they act based on the desire for amusement; curiosity).Most people do so because of one form of insecurity or another. So they try to defy life itself.@ Tifanny …which part?
Prasand J.
on June 12th, 2009
@ Phoebe …Yes, I remember that. People choose to take the wrong turn, due to insecurity (wanting to be in control, or self-destructively), naivety (ignorance; being completely oblivious), and / or idly (as such they act based on the desire for amusement; curiosity).Most people do so because of one form of insecurity or another. So they try to defy life itself.@ Tifanny …which part?