Tirades: From Inside An Insane Asylum

Smokey.

I’ve been sitting on a nice sum of cash that has been burning a hole in my pocket, or my ass … so to speak. So yesterday I had this bad craving … so I decided to go to the store … in hope that I could give my taste buds a brutal onslaught of pleasure. However, when I got there … I didn’t have the desire to buy $30 worth of junk food, like I would normally do when I can’t figure out what my craving is. Normally my logic is, “buy everything you see that you think you might want … and at least one of them will satisfy your craving.”

In the past, that logic has failed a few times. I ended up having to go back to the store a couple of times, lol. Once I went to the store three times, and spent $70 on shit that I didn’t even want. Imagine having a table full of Tostito’s with salsa, onion rings, chocolate bars, nerds, yogurt, lifesaver’s fruit creams, smoothies, icecream, etc. Everything has been opened, and tasted … but nothing satisfies that craving. Just to finally figure out that what I was craving, and they didn’t even carry in the store. I wanted a fruit rollup. Hey, as long as you can afford to do so, moderation is irrelevant.

You should’ve seen Bobby (rivenagares), and I in Canada. My cousin Janelle (sa_ki_nah), Bobby, and I … went to a candy store by Janelle’s apartment … before making the trek to Liza’s (filipino_shawty) house for food. So we walk into the store, and I head towards the candy like a man on a mission. Bobby comes over by me, sees I have the left side of the room on lock … so he goes over to the right. I’m on one side filling the bag, he’s on the other side checking out the merchandise like “yo don’t forget the peach rings, and watermelon slices over here.”

It was a funny scene, cause both of us are like kids … when it comes to shit like that. We ended up with a bag full of candy, with different types of sugar all mixed together. Just the way we like it … variety. In a motherly fashion (I like that) … Janelle warns us that we’re gonna get a stomach ache, and to save space for food. I or we … retort with the, “we’re not gonna eat the whole bag” … that the rest was for later. So we comb through the bag, trying out different things … seeing which ones fit our tastebud’s craving at the moment.

We’re dipping into Janelle’s bag. She has caramels, and other things we don’t. She’s dipping into ours. We’re giving critiques on some shit like, “did you try those purple ones yet? Those are good.” Well, like all little kids who are warned by an adult … we ended up with a stomach ache anyway, lol. Surprisingly, the bag of candy lasted us a couple of days. I think that was because we ate all the ones we liked first, and took our time with the rest. Oh and Bobby, don’t think I didn’t notice that the bag was missing when you left. I had a craving for candy one night, and looked for the bag to realize it wasn’t there. Stickygfingas (® see also Bobby) over there grabbed his camera, and the candy before he left, lol. =P

Photo Edited by Liza
Our bag of candy.

So … as I was saying, this time I had no desire to be an immoderate glutton. I walked through the aisles and I didn’t want anything. I was thirsty though, so I grabbed two … 2 liter bottles of Mountain Dew, and Schweppes Ginger Ale … and headed towards the counter. The walk down that aisle was very long. I could see the Black n Milds sitting behind the register … calling me … talking to me … during the final approach. “No, I can’t buy you.” “Why not?” “Because I’m not supposed to be smoking you.” “Get one, it won’t hurt.” “No.” “Fine, get one … ‘just in case.’” I hit the counter, “uhhh … can I get a loose black?” LMFAOOOO. My fate was sealed.

On a serious note … when I got to the counter … I’m zoned out. The guy behind the counter knows me, he looks at me and I say, “yeah, I’m straight.” He looks at me odd, and I say, “sorry about that.” He asks, “are you okay?” “Yeah, I’m straight.” I said, it calmly and in the same exact tone as I said it the first time. He looks at me odd … and I say, “Yeah, I know.” He says, “that was weird.” “Yeah, I know.” I think to myself, “Shit. I’m doing this outside also?” I wasn’t even acknowledging that I was verbally speaking, till after I already said it. On some borderline “I have tourette’s syndrome, except i don’t curse … I just blurb answers to questions before you ask them” … type shit. I rush to leave the store. I don’t know why I’m even telling yall this … blar.

On my way towards the door, I see something fall … so I literally try to catch it. Nothing’s there. I open the door, and walk out … behind me is the sound of a bottle breaking on the floor. On the way from the store. “Just put it in the freezer, but don’t smoke it.” I get into the house, put the bottles in the fridge. Sit down in front of the computer, and as I am sitting there … I’m chewing on the plastic tip of the black n mild, preparing it like I normally do. I do that so when I smoke it, more smoke is inhaled at once (and yes, I inhale the cigar). So anyway, I’m sitting there chewing it … and I finally notice what I am doing. I think to myself, “put it in the freezer.”

I shit you not, I seriously wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing. It’s one of those habits which requires no conscious thought what so ever. Besides, lately I have been out of it … too many things are going on with me … physically … and in my mind. So anyway, I got up, threw on my Timbs … grabbed my lighter … and headed towards the door. In one sweeping non-stoping motion, I walked into the kitchen, but instead of going out the back door … I went towards the garbage can and threw the black n mild out. I walked away, and as I walked away I realized what just happened. In disbelief, I looked into the garbage can … I looked down and realized I had my shoes on. I grabbed the black n mild … then crumpled it up, and threw it back into the garbage.

Watching new … and old subconscious actions conflict consciously is interesting. Pandora’s box.

Exhale.

———-

Something in my brain broke …

[04:06:02 AM] Prasand: I went onto the back porch to get some air … even though I had nothing to smoke. As I was standing there I saw a old woman slowly walking down River Road.
[04:06:57 AM] Prasand: She was walking from my right … to my left … and for some reason I was compelled to keep my eyes fixed on her … so I was just standing there … staring.
[04:07:21 AM] Prasand: She took her time, but eventually ended up on the left side of my vision.
[04:07:59 AM] Prasand: Then as if the record skipped … she disappeared, and re-appeared on my right side.
[04:09:16 AM] Prasand: Yet, when the record plays again … she’s standing there … on my right, playing with a child that wasn’t there before.
[04:09:45 AM] Prasand: The record skips … she’s still walking down the street on my left.
[04:10:14 AM] Prasand: at the same time I can still see the images on my right … fading like ghosts.

(two separate conversations with different people)

[02:41:23 PM] Prasand: sorry … I’ve been doing that a lot lately
[02:41:48 PM] Prasand: the lines between what actually happens and what I see .. are starting to get blurred
[02:42:08 PM] Prasand: I go outside and see things happening that aren’t happening now
[02:42:27 PM] Prasand: a mixture of what people feel, and what they will do or go through
[02:43:19 PM] Prasand: so the present actions … future actions … current feelings … current thoughts .
.. future feelings … future thoughts … are all blending together for me … now
[02:43:41 PM] Prasand: and with each passing day … it’s getting harder to separate them

… and it keeps breaking.

- Prasand