These past couple of weeks, although my LJ has been silent (other than comments) … I still have been typing entries. However, like the previous “missing” entries … they were just filed away onto my computer to collect dust. Recently I was reading through some of those entries, and decided to post some of them. I was going to just backdate them, using a method that it wouldn’t show up on your friend pages. Thus, no one would’ve known they were posted (unless one read through my actual page, and noticed the difference).

However, I decided to not do that … and wanted to announce what I will be doing. Not because it’s important or anything … but so that when you see those entries you don’t thinking I’m relapsing. Basically this is so as you read those entries you don’t wonder “whoa, where the fuck did that come from?” When I post them, they won’t be backdated (however, I will indicate with red font if it is an old entry or a new one). I can imagine that the question for some is “why not just do it, we’ll see the red font anyway and know it’s old.”

Well, that’s because after I post the first third old post, the first one will truly be backdated using that method … and the red text will be removed. After that, with each backdated entry posted … a previous one’s red text will be removed, and truly backdated as I try to put the entries in the correct order (I am anal if you didn’t know, and there’s no reason to state this entry is old if it is in the correct place). However, you can still find them if you come to my page (of course) … which is why I am also adding the prefix “… recovers” to the title (like this one) … so that those entries could be easily found.

I probably won’t post more than one entry per day, cause I know that I am long-winded … and my entries have becoming increasingly longer. Well, I won’t post more than one old entry per day … but I might have a new thought to post at that moment though. For a taste of one the missing entries (the artists and intellectuals might like this appetizer) click here. *warning: may cause extreme headaches (seriously … no, I mean seriously)*

Soon is relative … but soon.

I threw on my Timbs … walked to the door. I stopped at the door and thought, “I’ll just keep it to myself, and no one will know.” “No, I’ll just say I’m stopping gradually. Who says I have to do it cold turkey? Oh wait, I did. I am entitled to change my mind. Yet, why do I feel like I don’t have a choice in the matter?” “I’ll just keep it to myself, and no one will know. Yet, with her box being opened … and our psychic rapport increasing … she would know. She even sensed my faltering … said that I was looking for excuses. I negated it with truth. She said … she understood, but just felt the need to reiterate. Was she speaking of then, or for now?” “No, fuck that … I’m going.”

I turned up the volume.

Then my ears focused on the television … which was faintly playing in the background. He says, “you are all I need.” Like an insane man I started speaking to myself. “Yet, she isn’t here to siphon.” “Yes, she is.” I begin wondering if I am schizophrenic. “Her body walked away, but she left her heart here. She never left, her heart has been here the entire time … while you were being blind. Take care of it.” I stood there with my hand on the doorknob, and calmly / slowly took it off. I took off my boots, went back to sit on the couch. My mother asked, “what?” “Nothing.” Exhale.

Conversations with oneself are interesting.

———————-

Liza … (filipino_shawty).

I remember when I encountered her. I was on the site migente.com … when I ran into her page. The year was 2001. She had something on there … I do not recall if it was long-winded or short. I don’t even remember what was said, or how the page was designed. However, I remember being quite taken by her words. As I read them … her paths flashed in my mind clear as day. She was beautiful in so many ways, so much beauty contained. Yet, she was headed in a destructive direction … all the beauty dissolving into oblivion. I normally didn’t take on such extreme responsibilities, but I saw a lot of potential in her.

I threw something out there, to see if she’d bite.

To see if she was too far gone. She bit. I told her, what was going on with her. One of those situations where you’d think “this is crazy” but you’re compelled to listen. A rather bold move from a stranger … which I was nothing more than. Weird with an eerie accuracy. I told her where it would lead her. I told her I would like to help her stop that from happening, if she’d allow me to. She asked how was I going to. I said, “I’m going to teach you about computers.” She found that to be odd. I said, “I guarantee that in three years you will be able to make money with the computer skills you’ll acquire.” I told her the only thing she has to do, is listen … “I will earn your trust in time.”

I usually don’t speak about such interactions … cause to many they don’t seem realistic. However, there are a lot of things that I do, which people aren’t aware of. Plus, she can verify it. I taught her computers, while weaving philosophy into it. I told her that they had a lot to do with each other. In the beginning, I was very involved … everyday conversations which spanned hours upon hours. I would show and uncover the layers of myself to her. Things unseen by most eyes. I’d demonstrate the more unbelievable things. Using random people as examples, which she could see … in front of her.

Then as time passed, I started stepping back.

Telling her to read this … read that. I gave no direct information, just directed. The only conversations which were had, were the ones where she was full of questions. She had a very inquisitive mind. I shared more of my philosophies with her, than any other person. She studied my documents … the ones that I made available to her. Absorbing things like a sponge. I told her that it was mandatory for her to have a student. Someone she could teach, or show the things she knew. For it was hazardous to absorb so much, without an outlet. So she would teach my philosophies, with her own spin on it.

Imagine me, without the baggage of the past. A me that didn’t experience things the way that I did, but still ended up being me. She is pure … untainted. I am broken. So she found people to pass off the info to. I won’t lie … at first it irked me when people would come at me spitting my own philosophies at me, almost verbatim. I would jokingly say, “I need to copyright my shit” … lol. Now I laugh at it, especially at the memories of when a couple of guys found out that I was the source of those words. When I continued to distance myself from her, she didn’t really notice.

Then one day when she noticed how far I was, so she asked me about it. I said to her, “you do not need me to hold your hand.” She hated my distance. She started acting like, she just wanted me to think for her. When I was trying to get her to think for herself. The thing is … she was asking questions she clearly knew the answer to. Just because she wanted me to answer it, she wanted that interaction that we used to have. That irked me. Time passes, things get better … even to this day she still asks those types of questions. However, it’s rare … I laugh when she does it.

There came a point in time where we were intimate. Was it nothing more than a lesson of love? One preconceived moment or point crafted in this controlling mind of mine? No. It was just a natural progression. Our interaction was so intimate, that passion was crafted and cultivated from it. It made sense considering that, she knew so much about me … was partially a reflection of me. She knew the things that would make me happy, how to please me. Just the same as I knew her.

We were lovers, on a level that most lovers couldn’t even comprehend. However, we were lovers without obligation. If I would’ve asked her to be faithful, she would’ve. However, that would’ve been unfair for her. I’ve lived my life, and knew what I want … what I was looking for. I felt, she was young … and hadn’t truly lived life. She would’ve been doing nothing more than what I told her she wants. That was something she needed to learn herself. There was no reason why I should’ve been selfish trying to hinder her life … from miles away … from another country. So she dated, I did not. She wasn’t ready for happiness yet.

Now.

It’s three years later, and everything that I said would happen has happened. She makes money doing freelance webdesign work whenever she gets a client. We are no longer lovers, just friends. My philosophies are no longer hers, for although mine were the basis … they have become her own. She’s learned independently for too long for me to try to claim. Some people think she’s nothing more than a carbon copy of me. I know she’s much more than that, she’s much more than I. We have very different emotions, and perceptions now. Like I was saying before, sometimes she still asks questions she already knows the answers t
o. Sometimes I wonder if she does it to humor me. Like the old man who’s out of his element. The martial arts teacher … who’s student lets him win, just so he can feel young again. I think she just misses listening to me. I’m getting old.

People sometimes get the wrong impression of her, because she’s passive … quiet … and proud. She’s proud of me, and the things she knows / learned … she needs to bring that down a few notches. She’s also protective of me, lol. I wonder if she realizes it. Then again, so are all of the closest females to me. They don’t want the wrong females coming within two feet of me, lol. She came here recently (she left on Tuesday). I can imagine that you have read those stories in other journals. When she was here, she wanted to go to Manhattan. I think it was to link up with Bobby (rivenagares), and mi vida (Tiffany … mrs_understood).

I planned on taking her into the city, but she wanted to travel by herself. So she did, and came back home all by herself. I was so proud. I made a big deal out of it. She brushed it off like it was nothing. I got misty-eyed … I’m not sure if she noticed. It was a clear … tell tale sign, that she doesn’t need me anymore. I knew this day would come. We didn’t speak much while she was here, but the last two days … we talked for awhile. The dialog was good. I enjoyed that. She’s finally ready for happiness. She has her moments of discomfort, but so does anyone. She has a man that wants to treat her like a queen. Everything is in place, except for this last piece … which I am moving today.

[10:42:25 AM] Liza: he said to me … if you do anything (sexual) in new york … I won’t be mad
[10:42:52 AM] Bobby: wow.
[10:42:57 AM] Bobby: good guy.
[10:43:06 AM] Liza: blar
[10:43:13 AM] Liza: he read my whole journal
[10:43:32 AM] Liza: and he says that Prasand had a real effect on me
[10:43:55 AM] Liza: so if something happens then he won’t be upset.

She has a good man, one that wants to know her … one that is understanding … one that is capable of being a man to her. They are to embark on their journey together, as they pave new paths … yet, I know she will try to take me with her. Her man in many ways will surpass my position, however … in many other ways he will always be in my shadow. It’s not because I would put him there, but Liza will. As long as I am around, that will be the case. I never did tell her what would happen after the three years. I wonder if she knew or realized that I only foresaw three years with reason. Tomorrow, maybe things will be as they once were. Maybe they will be better, but for now … I know I cannot be around in this crucial stage of your relationship.

Our intimate interaction ends today.

Do not think for a second that this is easy for me. I’ve walked away from hundreds of people, yet this still hurts for me. However, before I go … there are a few final things I would like to pass off to you. #1 … you are not better than anyone, no matter how much you perceive yourself to be. You know the reasons why. #2 … you are not worse than anyone, no matter how much you perceive yourself to be. You know the reasons why. #3 … right now you are too passive to get the things you desire. If you have something to say, speak up. Make moves, instead of watching moves being made. #4 … do not lose yourself, unless you are losing yourself to love. For it is love which will create you. #5 … not everyone can learn things the same way, adapt your style if you are going to teach. #6 … Trust. #7 … Share. #8 … Love. #9 … Live.

I have one request to make. Take care of Roy. His cocaine addiction is getting out of hand, and he only listens to me. Which means, he will listen to you. It may take some time at first, but he’ll crack. Take care of him, or make sure you are there to watch him die. He’ll need someone like you by his side. He may give you attitude, but you know how he is. Make sure to ask him about his love life, he’s always falling for the wrong guys. Ummm … that’s pretty much it. To G if you are reading this … I’d first like to extend my warning. Take care of her. If I find out otherwise, I will hunt you down. That is a promise, and you can verify with her … I do not make idle threats. If your intentions are all good, I wish you the best of luck, and all the happiness life has to offer. I mean that with the utmost sincerity.

I love you. Till that day we cross paths again … I am gone. Later.
——–
Does only the pain matter? I’ll tell the story … soon.