Some people believe, that if you have no regrets, you have not lived, and while I understand the perspective, I think that such a perception is maintained by one who doesn’t truly appreciate the present. — Personally, I’ve taken the chances, the risks, and despite my recklessness, I have no regrets. My life and actions weren’t flawless, but I’m satisfied with the outcome.

I’ve made many mistakes. I’ve hurt those that I previously perceived to be undeserving of those pains I created. I’ve felt much sorrow, shed many tears, and repented for my sins. I’ve even structured my life, in such a way that I could make up for atrocities I’ve committed. — Despite those actions, if I had the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Or at least, that’s what I used to think.

In life, every action has a reaction; every single thing we do or did leads us to the present. A single shift in movement could create a very different existence. — If we truly appreciate where we are, why would we want to change that which we enjoy? We often ask for things, that once we get it, we realize we didn’t truly want it. We didn’t understand, what it meant to have it.

Regardless, some desire that difference.

We’ve all thought something akin to, “maybe if I didn’t say that to her/him we would still be together”, and despite our fantasy of what should be, things don’t always work out as we perceive.  It’s possible that things would’ve been ‘better’, it’s possible it might’ve been ‘worse’ and ended regardless. — I percieve, what’s meant to be, is and will be. That regardless of how much we try to defy and fight life, things that aren’t meant to work out … won’t. — So although I’ve had such thoughts, I’ve never harped on it.

Instead, I reminisce, smile, and then keep it moving.

Maybe my stance is one of fear, maybe my actions are fueled by it. The lack of desire to break my comfort; since afterall, I’m content with what exists. My hands-on approach to life, and my recklessness doesn’t negate that possibility. The fact is, I’m hands-on with some things, even most things … hands-off with few, and still those few could be because I’m afraid. The irony is, my hands-on aspects could be fueled by fear also.

Regardless, this isn’t about the dissolution of my delusions.

Rather, this is about sharing a different conclusion. — In looking at the things I’ve achieved, and lost, the costs I’ve paid, and choices I’ve made … I realize that there is something that I’d change. — This desire didn’t exist in me previously, but came with maturity and security. I understand that things could be much ‘better’, for others, yet ‘harder’ for me; that maybe it could result conversely.

And yet, I don’t mean it any less.

For if, I could do it all again … I’d surrender more to love. And since, changing the past is not in my conscious abilities, I’ve instead decided to apply it to the present. Even if I’m abused, even if I ‘lose’, completely … for those I love, I will give up:

nothing less, than everything.

I do not believe this is the ‘right’ thing to do, nor do I perceive it’s what you should do. Not at all, this is simply my desire, and now, my preference … because I believe, you, are not worth … less.

Believe what you want.

- Prasand J.

We often delude that it’s possible to evolve with someone who’s different. Yet in actuality, a ‘difference’ is a lack of unity; and due to conflict we individually, internally, grow against that person or because of that person. — Depending on our observation we may find that beautiful, and appreciate being inspired by them. That’s fine; but regardless, we have not grown nor evolved ‘with’ them. That growth is our own progress within ourselves, fostered or contributed by the person who’s different. As such, due to the exposure of something different we have grown as a person, but have not evolved as a person.

To understand evolution, let us imagine a butterfly.

It lives, it flies, it eats, and is eaten. There are millions of similar butterflies doing the same thing, yet none are exactly the same. There are various deformities, like the color of their wings, size, etc. If the habitat of the butterflies is typically yellow, but the butterflies are generally orange, then the butterflies with deformities closer to yellow have a greater chance of survival (camouflage).

With each generation, natural selection (predators) will cause there to be a larger group of butterflies that survive. Each generation will have been pruned to a degree that yellow butterflies will become dominant. The genes will lean to yellow so much (warped redundantly), that it will eventually consistently produce yellow, and orange will be virtually extinct (dormant or recessive gene).

In turn, the predators will require better eyesight, or skill to differentiate the butterflies. Those who have it will eat well (thrive), and those who do not will starve in comparison (ultimately perishing or become extinct); a inverse natural selection. If two predators with good eye-sight reproduce, they too will warp their genes to a degree that those genes will purposely produce offspring with greater eye-sight. If they mate with a predator with poor eye-sight, by chance they may produce an offspring with greater eye-sight; but the probability is lower.

That is evolution.

Evolution is the perpetuation and growth of traits to promote well-being. It is the development of what exists, not the creation of that which doesn’t. As such, by definition when we grow as a person we are de-evolving. This isn’t inherently a “bad” thing, most people prefer to grow as a person. That can be an innate desire, but is usually a learned desire. Regardless, with everything there are pros and cons. If we interact with someone who causes us to diversify ourselves, we become conflicted.

eg. Jane loves fashion.

She drinks it, eats it, sleeps it, breathes it; but she’s dating Harry who hates fashion. Harry is a sports fanatic. Any sport, all sports, if they compete with physical prowess he enjoys it. Jane is completely uninterested in sports, and Harry couldn’t give two shits about fashion. Though because of the lack of unity in the relationship, they decide to expose each other to the variation. After many attempts, and approaches, they finally learn to appreciate each other’s interests.

That is a beautiful thing.

For that’s how we’re taught to perceive it. Besides how we are taught, it’s beautiful in the sense that Jane and Harry loved each other enough to overcome themselves for love. — However, in the duration Jane doesn’t realize that while she’s expanding her horizons she’s belittling the self that existed prior. She may still love fashion, but where she gave 100% of her time to fashion, she now gives 60% of it, and 40% goes to various other things. It’s still a large number, hence why in her eyes she still loves fashion. Yet, the mentality that’s required in order to implement that is: we must perceive that which we once valued, to be some degree less significant than it used to be. In other words, it’s become in some ways insignificant.

That’s the birth of insecurity and doubt in ourselves.

Granted, in actuality insecurity is born the moment we first experience pain (thus at birth), but for the sake of this situation if we didn’t know insecurity prior to that moment, we will have learned it because of that moment. In actuality, that insecurity is just one of the many added to the list throught our existence, and it’s significance / effect on us decreases or increases based on the momentum or weight it gains. — Regardless, in expanding our horizons, we lose our focus, become insecure, and doubt ourselves; but in being focused, we lose our exposure, become complacent, and know nothing but ourselves. Inevitably, the stance we take will have cons as well as pros. In the end, it comes down to preference. What we desire to do is all that matters.

Nonetheless, we can only evolve with someone we are similar, and nature itself through natural selection mandates the importance of that. Only someone with whom we are similar (truly loves us) will support and perpetuate us (thus foster our happiness); and we’ll only know insecurity with someone we are not similar, but they will foster the happiness we are taught to perceive (thus, mental happiness, and not actual). If you care to prove it to yourself, simply try to quantify your happiness. If you can, put actual numbers on it, then it’s because you have something tangible to base those numbers on. As such, if you can’t, it’s intangible and not actual / true happiness.

Since childhood, most of the things we’re taught are in defiance of or reject evolutionary relationships. So we spend our lives applying those things, creating / manipulating ourselves, until we lose sight of ourselves, and then must find ourselves. it’s only when we become tired of the stress, and conflicts, that we seek accordance, and allow us to “be” ourselves. In other words, it is then that the spice of life no longer interests, because the spice comes at a price; and that price is,

ourselves.

- Prasand J.

Do you want to evolve?
It’s not wrong to say, no.

Take . your . time . reading . this . and
Turn . your . volume . up .

I’m feeling a bit melancholy …

and have been for most of the day. This pensive state, initiated by something Joli and I shared. However, those words … that tone … those thoughts, and feelings were not directly sad. But somewhere in there I paused, and felt something I seemed to have forgotten.

Warmth.

Like a broken record, I’ve been talking about the passion that’s gone … and I think it was either yesterday, or earlier today that Hyuna asked me “where’s the fire?” … and while I may have taken it out of context, it seemed so foreign. I mean, I was like Robinson Crusoe transplanted into a territory unfamiliar. So far from home, that I’ve forgotten the smell.

I wonder if the locks were changed.

Both feelings have stuck with me. A warmth which I could literally feel, and a reaction like “wtf is that?” Though of course, my mind didn’t leave it alone and as I ventured to decipher these hieroglyphics … something shifted. A quickened pace, like I should’ve been bracing myself for impact … with onlookers cringing, saying “damn.” I slammed into yesterday, as life flashed before my eyes … in rewind and fast forward. The poetry of moments and desire that leaves one wired in anticipation, have taken seat in the forefront of my brain … and I must say … it’s great. Though, make no mistake about it. I’m not trying to say that living in the past is all that fabulous. For what’s gone is gone, and longing for lost days merely limits today.

I’m not that insane.

Or rather, I’ll limit today but do not miss things passed … ever. Regardless, my state has bothered me for awhile. Me without passion is like a fish out of water. Yet, lately my words have seemed so detached and without any emotional concern … that it left me uneasy. An empathic muscle which atrophied, a heart which no longer pumped. Feet hit the ground like lead, walking dead. However, that changed the moment I kneeled to her … and spoke in a caring tone. The warm your neck and shoulders, that hairs standing on end … tone. The type of shit, which would’ve made me pick up a camera again, tone. A tone, which may be missed online. Though before you jump to conclusions, it’s not like that. At least, I don’t think. I mean, I used to feel that when interacting with anyone I was truly intimate. Actually, that’s a lie. Moments like that are far and few inbetween.

…

Am I trying to convince you, or myself?

I’ve interacted with her sporadically for over a year, and never has it crossed my mind. I loved her eyes, smile, stride, and style … but there was no desire. However, it was understandably so. For that was during a point where I would not have entertained such thoughts (because I was afraid of the cost, or what would’ve been lost in the process). Only one person was allowed to occupy my heart and mind at the time, as I stood by words unforgotten but unrequited. Until I realized that my holding on, restricted the woman I love … and while I stopped living … my choices were mine. I said I’d always stand by her, but realized that it created an obligation for her to remain. She shouldn’t have to suffer the fate of my mistakes.

So I decided to break, the promise that I made … and decided to walk away … and in the process of her liberation, I in essence broke my vow of now three years of celibacy (my birthday will be the anniversary). However, I haven’t done so physically. Though, this makes me wonder if the passion which didn’t exist was because of me being stiff or stubborn. Unable to truly let anyone in. My heart turned hard, the adamant Taurean stifling his hopeless romantic nature … as I focused on refining my mind. Yet, I like some of the changes I’ve made. In the past few days, or months even … I’ve been extremely curt in comparison. My comments on most people’s pages … a single line. Though know, I always took the time to write my usual replies. I just retracted and erased most of it.

Replacing it with a short statement, or summation.

For I realize, that while it’s a nice idea to believe those who love us would want to be let in … the fact is, people just want what they want. Nothing more, nothing less … and I’m a bit too intense. I give more than most can endure, or even want. So I stopped that for the most part. If asked a seemingly rhetorical question, I will ask if it should be answered. In the process of doing so I’ve watered down myself considerably. Which left me with mixed feelings, due to my perspective on “hesitation == fear.” Though, I guess in some ways consideration is fear as well. However, with my blood currently pumping … I realize that, I might’ve let them in but it was only into my vertigo inducing, confusing, and overwhelming brain.

When my heart was much safer.

A double, with a bed wasted, sheets untouched, and a sign which read “do not disturb” … because I shut it off for a single person, and went to work elsewhere. She unknowingly brought me back there, and although she did not ask … for her … I willingly unlocked the door. That to me isn’t an indication of romantic interest, but rather of my desire to protect her even from myself. It’s been an interesting, and inspirational day. I want to refine my heart, to re-learn my insides. The coconut water on this island is becoming tedious, I want wine. To feel two steps beyond tipsy, living like I’m dreaming … and walking on air. Without concern nor care for gravity, other than the one that exists between …

you and I.

Yeah.

Can we start again? or continue?

- Prasand J.